We’ve been there. That one person or band who, for whatever reason, makes us forget our status as evolved. But in the past, all this meant was forgetting how to form coherent speech and dribbling on your own shirt. These next fandoms have raised the bar for crazy.
#4 – The Beliebers
Whether you think Justin Bieber sounds like a choir of angels or Bin Laden in a blender, we’re not here to argue taste. We’re here to talk about his fans. You may be surprised that they aren’t #1 on our list, what with all the Selena Gomez death threats and the faked pregnancy stories. They’re pretty bad. The thing is, they have an accumulative age of about 12. Take for example when they threatened to boycott supernatural, after Jared Padalecki’s harmless, Bieber-based joke. The iconic and generally cheered rebuttal from Padalecki was a diplomatic “I am SO sad to turn off the Beliebers… However, at a maximum justifiable age of 7, they should be in bed right now.” With the hope they’ll grow out of it, we’re clocking this fandom at #4.
#3 – Directioners
These guys are scary. Seriously scary! Luckily for us, they do the vast majority of their scary stuff via twitter or tumblr, where we can laugh and point or shudder (whichever is most appropriate) and then move on with our lives. Here are just a few examples of directioners’ social media tid-bits
- “If I die, scatter my ashes at a one direction concert”
- “People as me if I like one direction and it’s like…like…it’s not about that. It’s not about that anymore. This is just my life now”
- “I want harry [Styles] to tie my hands to my feet and dunk me under Niagara falls for 50 years until I shrink and become an inch wide so he can use me as a hair tie.”
Yeah. It’s pretty bad. But why aren’t they at #1? Well, the fans may be…slightly unhinged, but we get the feeling that this isn’t the result of being in the fandom. We think they just started out that way. We’re clocking these guys at a solid #3 and leaving it at that.
#2 – Whatever Kanye Fans are called
Google ‘Kanye West Fans’ and you get results like Kanye West fan replaces every mention of God in the Bible with [Kanye West]’s name and Kanye West Fans on Twitter: “Who is Paul McCartney?” They’re an interesting bunch. But what sets them aside from the insanity of the directioners, is that their leader isn’t much better. When a man begins a publically broadcasted sentence with “The voice in my head told me to go…” anyone putting him on any kind of pedestal is bound to have a little bit crazy, rub off. Yeezus fansare our undeniable #2.
#1 – The Beehive
Beyoncé is amazing. If you don’t think so, you’re wrong. We have 0 personal complaints about this wife and mother. She’s our #1 because fans seem to be losing mobility and consciousness in her presence. We’re serious! Google ‘Beyoncé fan faints’ and there are hundreds of examples of people clocking out at the mere sight of the Pop Queen. She can’t help her own fabulousness, but the Beehive is our number one least healthy fandom, for having a watered down arc of the covenant as a leader.